Insulted Ben. Told Mark he needs to be more present to Ben when he’s here. Mark stiffens up even more when he hears that he is not being a great father. Even though I didn’t say that I really hare when he comes home o tired and hungry that all he says to Ben is hi and By and I love you. Oh well he has been like that for 28 years. Not going to change that. I just can not say something when it makes me furious. Then Today I tell Gaby I liked what he was playing on his guitar. I told him it relaxed me. He said does the other tune make me nervous. I said yeah kind of cause I’ve heard it to much. It emediatly hurt his feelings. He said he has to play it lot cause he is just learning to play it. Then he says ( for the 5th time) that he really wants to move out. I tell him I’m ready for him too. I hide the sting in my heart from his words. He tells me he is having so much fun outside of this house. And then stops himself from saying he hates to even come home.😪 Am I loosing my filter? Should I just become mute?
Helping a friend sharing my diagnosis.
I understand your suffering. It’s taken since 2007 to Have my neck fused. It didn’t help much cause I still have jaw pain on the left, and left sided headaches. I went to 3 neurologist. Finally went to UCSF memory and aging and got diagnosis of Mild Cognitive impairment. I have very little short term memory and I’m dancing around the bush to find my words. I can’t use both hands to multi task. Cooking is very rare and I need help. I’m less steady on my feet. I have other symptoms too. I pray your not going down this same road. Head enquiries can be a whole different ball game. Let me know how your doing . If you feel that you want to.
Frozen
Feeling frozen in my chair. Not recognizing my hunger until my husband offers me some food. Went to bed at 6pm last night. Woke up at 12:30 in the morning. Went back to bed at 9am. Woke up at 1:30pm. Felling flat emotionally. Can usually fake my mood. Not today.
Fading Away
Easter 2021 I’ve been given every diagnosis imaginable since 1993 when I was 33 years old. First it was depression, then fibromyalgia. HASHIMOTO’S came around 2017 when they found 2 nodules in my thyroid. I had to go to a rumitologist to finally get the correct blood tests before getting the right diagnosis for my type of thyroid disease. But if you look closely you will see that I can’t spell and my Grammer is poor. I’ve been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment, MCI. IT TOOK YEARS TO FINALLY GET that diagnosis from my neurologistat UCSF. I’ve known I was loosing my mind since 2007. When I was taking care of my Dad and Mom with Dementia. But I thought it was just massive stress. My 3 children have been exposed to the disease of Alzhiemers and Parkinson’s since 2000. When I had my 3rd child and 4 months later needed to move my mother into my middle child’s room, (that traumatized him). I was a teenager when my mom’s Mom was suffering from Alzhiemers. So I knew how sad it would be for my kids. But at this Easter day celebration 2021, I had a great time with all my children. Rachel my oldest child 32, brought paprika for the deviled eggs. We opened a bottle a bottle of Rose. I had a glass and she had a wine glass with blood orange soda. She is pregnant with her 1st baby. We laughed and got caught up on all the fun she had on her vacation to Maui. Soon my second child Ben 28, came in the front door with his guitar. We all grabbed our drinks and went to the living room to chat. My youngest Gabe, (whom I had when I was 40), (Im now 62), arrived home from his work as a host at a winery in Sonoma. Soon the boys were playing their guitar’s. I started taking pictures and tried for a video. When my boys begged me not to. So I stopped, (I thought right away). Soon after my husband came home from work with Ham dinners he bought at our favorite market. I don’t cook much anymore. We ate together ❤. When everyone was going home I hugged and kissed them. Feeling the whole day had been so fun. I felt so accomplished until today when my youngest son Gabe told me that I have to stop all the picture taking. And that my goodbyes are to much.. He said that it stresses everyone. I could see his face turning red as he was visibly distressed. It then made my blood pressure rise. I know that everyone has been on high allert to my stranger behavior. Cause I see how they try not to upset me if I can’t find the words I want to say. NOW ALL THE SUDDEN, I think I’m behaving in ways that I never have before. Worst of all I don’t notice or I have lost my ability to reason and judge what’s appropriate. I couldn’t remember Easter like I needed to. All I could remember were like snap shots going through my mind. These days I only remember my past. And anything that causes great emotions like happiness or sadness. I tried looking for a memory. What had I done to embarrass my family. But only the happy snap shots came up in my mind. So I told him I was sorry and I took a shower thinking or trying to think what it was I really did that upset my family. But still nothing was coming up from my picture book of a mind. By now I was so distraught that I went to bed at 6:00 pm. My MCI must be progressing. Just two days ago I could focus on a news cast or someone talking to me. But now I can’t follow. I get distracted so much everything seems like a collage with pieces torn out. I can’t bare the sadness and pain my family is and will go through. Aren’t things bad enough with a global pandemic of Covid-19 Corona Virus? My grown kids and husband will need to be strong and brave to get through what is headed for them at 300 miles per minute.
N
Dementia 